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How To Parent From Love Not Fear

As parents we have the best of intentions with our children, we love them and want the best for them and our head is where our parenting knowledge is

What happens when our little beauties play up?

What happens when our precious little beings have a melt down, are rude, obnoxious, sabotage our plans, don't do as asked or don't come back or call when they agreed to etc?

We get triggered by fear

Fear of loosing control

Fear of being a bad parent

Fear of how they are behaving

Fear of what's going on with or happening to them

Lots and lots of fear is triggered in our emotional system and when we respond with the fear there is usually only one way to go and that is down; you see our children need us to be able to manage our emotions and respond with love - that doesn't mean they get away with everything it is just how we approach the situation in the most supportive, caring way while setting a good example of behaviour for them

Bear in mind punishment (which is what shouting, arguing, etc is to a child) is not the same as discipline -see previous blog

Fear activates our

Freeze, Fight, Flight, Flop response

Fear shuts down our rational, logical, thinking response so our best parenting practices, how we'd like to respond goes 'off line' and doesn't happen, we act on our emotions.

In the moments our emotions are triggered we default to previous patterns of behaviour, often reacting the way our parents reacted when they were triggered by us and that may not be helpful

So what can we do instead?

Something Bryan Post recommends is the 3 R's or 3 Steps to Peace


Take 3-5 deep breaths. Move away from the situation if you safely can. Ask yourself how you feel, really check in with what's going on in your mind, your emotions and your body.

RELATE - Honor Your Feelings

Acknowledge the truth. Tell your child, "I am feeling _______" Ask them "How are you feeling?" - Don't pressure them for an answer, they ay not be able to give it, you are just offering the space to open up or to consider their feelings

REGULATE - Seek understanding

Put yourself in your child's place right now, try to understand how they are feeling. Continue to breath and regulate no matter how many times this has happened before - like a muscle it needs working over and over to grow and become stronger.

Regulation, like love grows when we give it space

Remember, you have to take care of yourself first in order to take care of your child

Just imagine how many other areas of your life could improve too if you can regulate yourself?

You are also being an ambassador for emotional regulation for your child well as possibly breaking generational patterns

If you are finding it particularly difficult to regulate your emotions you may have unresolved experiences that could do with guidance to resolve, equally there may be stuff your child needs to resolve with the help of a professional

There is no shame in getting help!

In fact it is admirable to take action to make things the best you can for your family


Much Love, Light & Peace

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