The Importance of Tolerance in Parenting

Why Tolerance Matters: Understanding Your Child’s Emotions Through a Trauma‑Informed Lens

Tolerance means allowing something to exist - even when it’s uncomfortable, inconvenient, or emotionally challenging. In parenting, tolerance is the ability to accept your child as they are, especially when they’re struggling, overwhelmed, or expressing emotions in ways you find difficult.

One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned as both a parent and a therapist is this:

When we cannot tolerate our children’s negative moods, they learn to stop tolerating themselves.

Children quickly internalise the belief that:

• they must behave a certain way to be loved

• their emotions are “too much”

• their sadness or anger is unacceptable

• their worth is conditional

This is deeply painful for a child — and often completely unintentional from the parent.

What It Feels Like for a Child Who Isn’t Tolerated

Not being tolerated can feel:

• isolating

• confusing

• shameful

• lonely

• rejecting

Children who grow up feeling “too much” often become teenagers or adults who:

• hide their emotions

• mask their true selves

• people‑please

• shut down

• believe they are the problem

Tolerance is not about agreeing with behaviour - it’s about accepting the human behind the behaviour.

Why Parents Struggle to Tolerate Difficult Emotions

Parents want their children to be happy. When a child is sad, angry, withdrawn, or overwhelmed, it can feel like:

• a personal failure

• a rejection

• a sign you’re not doing enough

• a reflection of your parenting

From babyhood, we soothe, feed, rock, and comfort. But as children grow, something shifts. Their emotions become more complex, less predictable, and harder to “fix.”

At some point, many parents lose tolerance for their child’s discomfort - not out of lack of love, but out of:

• exhaustion

• overwhelm

• fear

• frustration

• unrealistic expectations

And boundaries become blurred when patience disappears.

When Expectations and Reality Collide

Think of a time you planned something special for your child — a surprise, an outing, a reunion after time apart. You imagined their excitement, their joy, their gratitude.

But instead, you were met with:

• a long face

• tears

• disappointment

• irritation

It hurts. It feels personal. It feels like rejection.

But children are human too. They have off days, confusing feelings, sensory overload, and emotional fatigue - just like adults.

Children Are Still Learning Themselves

You’ve had years to understand your emotions, communicate your needs, and regulate your reactions. Even then, it’s not always easy.

Children, however:

• are still learning emotional language

• don’t always know why they feel what they feel

• can’t always explain their behaviour

• become overwhelmed quickly

• rely on adults to help them regulate

When a child is already upset or confused, even a positive surprise can feel overwhelming.

What Happens When Children Aren’t Tolerated

In therapy, I often meet children who:

• believe they are “too emotional”

• think something is wrong with them

• feel they must hide their feelings

• have low self-worth

• internalise sadness until it becomes anger

Parents often say:

• “They’re always crying and I don’t know why.”

• “They get angry and aggressive and won’t talk to me.”

• “They shut down and push me away.”

But when I speak to these children, I hear:

• “I’m told to stop crying.”

• “I get sent away when I’m angry.”

• “I’m told to grow up.”

• “Nobody listens.”

• “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Anger and aggression are often the pressure cooker bursting - the result of sadness, confusion, and unmet emotional needs building up with nowhere to go.

What Children Actually Need: Containment and Tolerance

In therapy, I offer containment - a safe space where a child can simply be. They may:

• sit quietly

• draw

• play

• cry

• shout

• talk

• say nothing at all

My job is to tolerate them. To stay beside them. To hold the emotional space without fixing, dismissing, or rushing.

Parents can offer this too - and it changes everything.

How Parents Can Build Tolerance

Tolerance doesn’t mean approving of all behaviour. It means:

• staying present

• staying calm

• allowing emotions to exist

• not taking feelings personally

• not rushing to fix or distract

• not shutting down or sending away

The more you try to fix, distract, or silence your child’s emotions, the more those emotions intensify.

But when you tolerate them - truly tolerate them — your child learns:

• “My feelings make sense.”

• “I’m not too much.”

• “I’m safe.”

• “I can trust myself.”

• “I can talk about what’s going on.”

This is the foundation of emotional regulation.

Using Noticing, Wondering, and Reading as Tools

As I’ve written in previous blogs, the practices of:

• noticing

• wondering

• reading your child

…are powerful tools that help you tolerate your child’s emotional world without judgement.

These approaches help your child feel:

• valued

• understood

• connected

• emotionally safe

And over time, you may begin to see a more communicative, regulated, and confident child.

A Final Thought

Carl Jung once said:

“What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”

When we resist our children’s emotions, they grow louder. When we tolerate them, they soften.

Tolerance is not easy - but it is transformative.

If any part of this resonated with you, or if you’re noticing patterns in your child that feel hard to navigate alone, you’re warmly invited to reach out. My online therapy space is a calm, supportive place where you and your child’s experiences can be understood with compassion, not judgement.

You’re welcome to email me with questions, reflections, or to explore whether therapy might help your family feel more connected and emotionally supported. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own - I’m here when you’re ready.

https://www.therapypottersbar.co.uk