The Power of Wondering

The Power of Wondering: A Gentle, Trauma‑Informed Way to Connect With Your Child

Many parents are familiar with asking questions — What happened? Why did you do that? How was school?   But have you ever explored the power of wondering instead?

“I wonder…” is more than a phrase. It’s a way of communicating that encourages curiosity, emotional safety, and connection - especially for children who struggle to express themselves.

In this article, we’ll explore why wondering is such a powerful tool, how it supports emotional regulation, and how you can use it in everyday parenting.

What Does It Mean to “Wonder” With Your Child?

Most of us “wonder” privately - daydreaming, thinking aloud, or trying to make sense of something. But wondering with someone is different. It’s a shared experience that invites openness without pressure.

Children naturally ask endless questions because they’re learning about the world. But when adults respond with quick answers, dismissiveness, or frustration (often unintentionally), children can shut down or stop asking altogether.

Encouraging wondering helps children:

• feel valued

• stay curious

• develop independent thinking

• feel emotionally safe

• learn to reflect rather than react

It’s a simple shift that can transform communication.

A Childhood Memory That Shows Why Wondering Matters

Many adults remember moments where their curiosity was dismissed. For example:

“What does that word mean?” “Go look it up in the dictionary.”

On the surface, it seems harmless - even educational. But the emotional impact can be very different.

Being told to “go look it up” may teach independence, but it can also leave a child feeling:

• unimportant

• dismissed

• irritated

• disconnected

Often, children aren’t seeking information — they’re seeking connection.

Why Children Shut Down When Asked Direct Questions

Children often respond to questions like “Why did you do that?” or “What happened today?” with:

• “I don’t know.”

• “Nothing.”

• Shrugs

• Tears

• Silence

This isn’t defiance. It’s overwhelm.

Children may not have the language, self-awareness, or emotional regulation skills to explain their behaviour. Direct questions can feel like pressure, especially after a difficult day.

Wondering removes that pressure.

Wondering in Therapy: A Non‑Confrontational Way to Build Safety

As a trauma‑informed therapist, I use “I wonder…” frequently in sessions. Clients often say:

“You do a lot of wondering.”

And I reply:

“Yes - because I’m curious, and you’re welcome to respond if you want to. It’s also OK if you don’t.”

Wondering allows me to reflect what I’m noticing without judgement. It invites clients to explore their own thoughts gently, at their own pace.

Psychologist Sian Philips, who specialises in relational trauma and attachment, recommends “I wonder” statements as a way to build engagement and reflection. Research suggests that wondering together helps integrate brain regions involved in:

• emotional regulation

• curiosity

• self-awareness

• connection

For children who have experienced emotional neglect or inconsistent responses, this approach can be especially powerful.

Using Wondering at Home: A Practical Example

Imagine a teacher or another parent tells you your child struggled today. It’s easy to react with embarrassment, frustration, or a demand for answers.

But your child may genuinely not know why they acted the way they did.

Instead of:

• “Why did you do that?”

• “What were you thinking?”

• “Explain yourself.”

Try:

• “It seems like today was hard for you. I wonder if something felt overwhelming?”

• “I wonder if you were feeling upset inside when that happened?”

• “I wonder if something made things tricky for you today?”

Your child may not respond - and that’s OK. What they will feel is:

• seen

• understood

• supported

• safe

This opens the door for future conversations and helps them develop emotional insight over time.

Why Wondering Works

Wondering:

• removes pressure

• avoids confrontation

• invites reflection

• communicates curiosity instead of criticism

• strengthens connection

• supports emotional regulation

• helps children feel safe enough to share

It’s a gentle, trauma‑informed way to stay connected - even during difficult moments.

Try Wondering Today

I wonder how it might feel for you to try wondering with your child today… Or with a partner, friend, colleague, or another loved one.

It’s a small shift that can create meaningful change.

If This Resonated With You

If anything in this article felt familiar, activating, or comforting, you’re welcome to reach out. My email is always open, and I love sharing insights that help parents and families communicate more gently and effectively.

If you’d like support in strengthening your relationship with your child or improving emotional connection within your family, you’re welcome to book a call and explore whether online therapy may help. https://wwwtherapypottersbar.co.uk

Life is full of wonder, why not wonder together?